You're Not a Referee – Stop Breaking Up Fights and Start Changing the Game

It was my first day in a new school in a new city. The teacher’s favourite, who was also the boys’ monitor, made me feel miserable. I complained to my grandfather. As always, he had a story. He believed stories cultured emotions. His opinion was that while we spend years sharpening our intellect, when it comes to important decisions, we often let emotions guide us. So, he never missed a chance to shape and train my emotions.

“When Swami Vivekananda was in Mahabaleshwar, the family hosting him had a baby who would not stop crying. They tried everything. The infant began to wheeze. Vivekananda picked her up, sat down to meditate, and she calmed. She fell asleep in his lap and never cried again. She grew up to be the queen of Sangli. Because of her composure, people called her Shanti. If you want that boy to stop upsetting you, you must find your stillness.”

“How?” I asked.

“When he is mean, do not react at once. Take a few breaths. Count to five. Picture yourself steady and unshaken. Then answer. Calmness disarms bullies.”

“But he is so mean.”

“Then be grateful to him. He is teaching you elegance. Grace is not wearing pastel pinks and speaking softly. It is the dignity with which you handle challenges. He is giving you raw material to build resilience. Be observant. Find one kind person to connect with. Focus on your work. Discover something you enjoy. I am sorry your first day was difficult. But it was just one day in a long life. This start is difficult, but it could mark your growth into a calm, resilient girl. You saw it in the story: the power of Shanti (peace) through Dhyana (meditation). Inner stillness can calm others and reshape Samskaras (mental impressions).”

I tried. The next day I met a girl with the same dislike for that monitor. We bonded over poetry, dance and music. She made me laugh. Over time, even the boy and I became friends and we are till this day!

But, why am I telling you this story? Because if you lead teams in India, you face the same conflict I did as a child; but multiplied across your organisation. Many chief executives and directors join a company dreaming of conquering the world. Instead, they spend their days putting out internal fires. Attrition stays high. Frustration grows.

A 2018 Mettl survey found managers in Indian firms spend almost 40% of their time dealing with interpersonal problems instead of driving growth. Research on collaborative leadership shows workplace conflict consumes 20% of managers’ time and affects 85% of employees. Mid-sized firms lose the most productivity to unresolved disputes.

You did not sign up to be a fire-fighter. Armed with an MBA, you came to innovate and build. But western management models are rarely tested in Indian conditions. So, you adapt them through trial and error. Sometimes it works. Often it does not. And it always takes time. If there’s one thing that we all are poor of; it’s time.

That is why Vivekananda’s story matters. It offers an Indian-rooted solution with cultural and ecological validity. No workshops. No jargon. Just leaders radiating calm that rewires teams.

The yogic idea is simple: peace can spread from one person to another. When I first heard it, I thought it was folklore. Later, psychology confirmed it. In 1994, Elaine Hatfield and colleagues described “emotional contagion”- the unconscious spread of emotion. We mimic others’ tone, gestures and expressions. Leaders’ moods spread the fastest.

Calmness is not abstract. It is a neurobiological signal. When you regulate your state, your team’s mirror neurons synchronise with it. Research at Wharton shows leaders’ moods shape group performance and morale.

Neuroscience explains what yoga knew. Meditation strengthens the prefrontal cortex, which controls self-regulation. It calms the amygdala, which signals threat. This rewiring allows leaders to project peace. When you embody calm, your team unconsciously mirrors it. This reshapes their Samskaras. In psychological terms, it’s neuroplasticity. Repeated calm responses form new neural pathways. Group behaviour shifts.

Negative emotions spread faster than positive ones. Stress and anger infect a workplace quickly. That makes a leader’s calm presence critical. Emotional contagion is strongest face-to-face. Everyday moments like meetings, casual chats, corridor exchanges, carry the most weight.

For chief executives, this is not about adopting a new framework. It is about state management. When you regulate your mood, you set the tone. Staff mimic your emotional stance. Over time, attrition drops, conflict reduces, and culture stabilises.

Think of your team’s conflict and turnover like the crying infant in Vivekananda’s story. Policy is not always enough. What changes the mood is your regulated presence.

How do you apply this without losing time? A short daily routine is enough:

In the morning, ask yourself: How do I feel today?

Before a meeting, pause for a few breaths.

At day’s end, reflect: What emotional tone did I set?

Before leaving, practise gratitude or let go of the day’s residue.

These small rituals stabilise you. People around you feel it. And the effect multiplies.

This is not only a lesson for corporate offices. Policymakers and investors also face organisational strain. If leaders at the top embody agitation, unrest trickles down. If they embody steadiness, calm ripples out. Policies and reforms need execution through human systems. Those systems rely on emotional tone.

High attrition has an economic cost. Training new staff drains resources. Constant conflict saps focus. In India’s high-growth sectors, these hidden costs can run into millions of rupees every year. Investors look for resilience. Stability at the emotional level builds resilience in balance sheets.

The science is robust. Emotional contagion has been tested in dozens of contexts, from schools to hospitals to corporations. Leaders who regulate themselves anchor teams. Teams anchored in calm work more effectively. They also stay longer.

You did not enter leadership to referee squabbles. You came to build. The way out is not more theory or imported models. The way out is presence.

Regulate your state. Lead from calm. Let your steadiness spread. Like my grandfather said, elegance is not in appearance. It is in how you carry the challenge.

That lesson, passed on through stories, now rests on science. It is simple, culturally valid, and effective.

The crying team will not settle because of more rules. They will settle because you became the calm that reprogrammes them.